Agent 868 Noble Steed
by Dmytron
Summary: While others are sleeping, CONTROL agent 868 Noble Steed calls the Chief to report the situation and to ask questions...


Donkey slowly opened his eyes. He had jumped, startled, at least twelve inches in the air when Shrek had snored loudly. "So that's the reason why Shrek lives alone" thought he. Princess Fiona in the hut snored almost as loud as the ogre. Now Donkey wasn't wondering why Fiona's parents had put her in the tower. The only one who didn't snore was Donkey because he couldn't sleep.

He moved for some distance away from the fire. He knew what to do. This noble animal raised his hoof. Inside part of the hoof revealed a rotary telephone dial. Donkey thought a little, recalling something. Then he started to dial some long number. This hoof worked like a regular phone, but was a mobile one. Donkey held the hoof to his ear and started to listen.

When it was clear somebody was on the receiving end he said:

— I thought love was only true in fairy tales.

— Meant for someone else but not for me, — A voice answered. Then Donkey and the Voice began to sing simultaneously: "Love was out to get to me, that's the way it seems. Disappointment haunted all my dreams".

— Hello Chief, — said Donkey.

— Hello Agent 868 "Noble Steed", glad to hear you, — answered the Chief.

— I'm reporting about the situation. It was exactly as you had said: Farquaad sent us to the tower to save the princess. We dealt shortly with the fire-breathing dragon, saved the princess and now we are here.

— Were there any unpredictable events?

— Nothing unusual, sir. But you know, I fear lava, particularly lava flows. It was very frightening. At that moment I thought: "Do I have any medical insurance", but couldn't remember if I did or not. Chief, when I come to CONTROL headquarters, please check to see if there is insurance for me. On another circumstances I wouldn't work. It's very dangerous for CONTROL agents to work there.

Donkey could speak endlessly, but Chief couldn't tolerate that.

— All right, Noble, I'll see to that. How's Shrek?

— He is OK, Chief. I think he could be a great philosopher, if not for the fact that he's an ogre. He has told me something about onions, something I didn't understand. I think that maybe he wanted to pass some secret information to me? Information about KAOS secret centre? Oh, I get it! He wanted to tell us KAOS HQ is in the onion field. Chief, we can't ignore this message; we should to check every onion field here. Do you understand me?

Chief understood only half of agent's speech, because another part of time he thought how to shut Donkey up.

— OK, OK, when you come here, write your proposition and give it to me. Your mission there is more important.

Donkey thought a little. Then he asked a question that tormented him all the time:

— Chief, I didn't get one thing: why do we have to save this princess from the castle? How does it apply to our work in our attempts to eliminate KAOS? Yes, I understand it's a good deed, but why have we? I think it's more appropriate for FBI or CSI to save Fiona. It's not our work, is it? I guess you have some reasons I don't know but it still looks foolish. Why involve CONTROL?

Donkey didn't see it, but Chief grasped his head. "If he doesn't stop, I would have to take an aspirin" He thought. But, a question was asked, and it was serious question. Chief had to answer. He collected his thoughts for three seconds, gave a deep breath and said:

— Ok, Agent 868, I'll explain it to you, and only to you, because I know that you wouldn't blab about it. Do you get it?

— Of course, Chief, I'll never say anything about it, I will be silent as lambs, my mouth will be shut. Even if I am tortured, I'll say nothing. You can rely upon me!

— Good. Listen to me carefully.

Chief started to explain, and Donkey was a grateful listener.

— We have to save Princess Fiona so we can establish good relationships with Far Far Away Kingdom. There are many KAOS agents in this kingdom, and our duty is to eliminate them. But the King and Queen of Far Far Away are reticent about our presence there. By saving Princess Fiona we could make friends with this country.

— Is it so necessary, Chief?

— Of course, because even if whole USA is free from KAOS, they can make their bases in Far Far Away and continue battle. KAOS is dangerous even there.

— I understand that, Chief, — said Donkey who really understood, — but maybe we could make something else, not messing with Fiona? You know that she should be saved by Prince Charming in a near future? It is written in all fairytales. Maybe it could be good for him to deal with the lava river and the dragon. He is ready for this challenge. Why send me, an agent who had never insulted anyone? I don't what will be, and I am afraid of future events and screwing up.

— Noble, it's you who should do it. We had to prevent Prince Charming from doing the honors because he is a KAOS agent. If he saves Fiona, KAOS become strongest power in Far Far Away so we would never get there.

Donkey coughed up a butterfly that he swallowed while listening to the Chief with an open mouth. He saw the light, and he wondered at the Chief's wisdom. But as one question was answered, another occurred to him.

— Chief, I understand my duty now. I am proud to work for CONTROL and glad that you have chosen me for this assignment. There are no KAOS agents that are able to stop me! I will follow Shrek and Fiona to Duloc to protect them and to care about them, but what then?

This question was the main one, maybe the most significant one in this mission. The chief of CONTROL thought a little before answering, and then seriously said:

— We can't let Fiona marry Farquaad. I think everything will be going its own way.

— What way do you mean? — asked interested Donkey.

— Haven't you noticed that Fiona is feeling sympathy to Shrek?

— This big green ugly ogre? Of course, I have. Also it seems to me that Shrek is falling in love with Fiona. But can one understand ogres? It's hard to tell if they love somebody other than themselves. Oh, and if they would marry, it could be an interesting pair. Medieval princess and giant ogre… And, Chief, think about their kids!

Donkey imagined the picture: tender Fiona hugs ugly Shrek, and eleven monsters are running amongst them. It could be… awesome! He smiled to himself.

Chief continued to develop his thought:

— Do you agree that power of love is a curious thing?

— Yes, it could make one man weep, another man sing, — recalled Shrek.

— Think, Noble, think. — Chief decided to rest for some time from talking, because talking with Donkey was a torture.

Donkey honestly thought for a half a minute, and during that time there was a silence. However, Shrek was still sleeping, and his snoring was the only thing that didn't make this silence golden.

The sentient animal CONTROL agent coughed. He understood "the way" he asked about. Now the thoughts had to be transformed in words.

— Chief, you are saying that… Shrek will not let Fiona marry anybody else except him? You mean that Shrek won't give the Princess away to Farquaad? That Shrek himself will save her from KAOS?

— You understand it right, Noble, — said Chief smiling.

The next question was predictable:

— But why was Shrek, not somebody else chosen for this role? There could be any number of candidates for marrying the fair Fiona. Why was this big ugly green ogre?

Chief answered almost immediately:

— You have seen Shrek, haven't you? How do people treat him?

— They treat him like they treat any other monster.

— That's why I have chosen Shrek. He has been humiliated by all the people, but he has a heart of gold. Shrek is worth the prize, and Fiona is my gift to him.

— You're generous, Chief, — replied Donkey. — What prize am I worth?

Chief playfully got angry:

— You're worth your ears tearing!

— OK, OK, Chief, calm down. And how did you know about Farquaad, that he would seek the hand of the fair princess? Nobody knew. I guess he wouldn't tell this thing to any CONTROL agent. And I don't think, Chief, that you are able to use telepathy. However, I wouldn't mind if I could use that ability. Imagine, Chief, I could read your thoughts. It could be awesome!

The CONTROL boss was close to firing Agent 868. It was the only conversation he had had in two weeks with Donkey and it was horrible for his health. "Maybe Ninety-Nine should step in for me tomorrow, because I want to recover from this insipid talking" thought he.

From another point of view, Donkey still should be an agent, at least for listening to the Chief's clever plans. Also, if he could take the antics of Maxwell Smart, he might be able to get used to Donkey.

— If you don't shut up, Donkey, — the first time Chief called agent Noble Steed "Donkey", — I will never say anything else about Farquaad.

— OK, Chief, I'm listening.

—We have infiltrated our agent to Duloc castle. He listens to everything and sends all the information to us.

— How interesting! And who is this agent? Is it our jolly good fellow Thirteen?

Chief was ready to uncover his agent, but only to Agent 868.

— No, it's Magic Mirror on the Wall. He combines a hidden camera and a dictating machine. By the way, it's Magic Mirror on the Wall who has submitted an idea of saving Fiona to Farquaad. He will watch the events and tell us about them. If something goes wrong, we will know it in advance to correct our plan.

— OK, Chief, — replied Donkey. He was happy not to be in the Magic Mirror on the Wall's place. Messing with Shrek and Fiona is safer than with Farquaad. But he recalled some event, and it made him sad:

— Chief, when we have saved Fiona, she called me "noble steed". Do you think she could suspect something? Where does she know my real name from? And how do you know Fiona doesn't work for KAOS? Oh, I forget, KAOS would liberate her in this way. But the question about my name still remains. What do you think, Chief?

Chief was glad to say anything only to stop this babble.

— Calm down, calm down. Fiona suspects nothing. She thinks you're an ordinary talking donkey ("and very annoying donkey" thought Chief). If you don't blow your cover yourself, she will never think anything different. So don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Donkey calmed himself. While he brought his thoughts in order, Chief asked a question about his mission:

— Have you seen the dragon that guarded the Princess at the castle?

— Do you ask me? I have to ask you! Of course, I have seen him. Or I have to say "her". It was a girl dragon. She nearly destroyed us before I guessed she doesn't look like a male. And I would never hire anybody similar to her to guard my stable. It wouldn't work! And don't ask me, Chief, don't beg me, I won't let it be!

Chief knew that Donkey usually lost his train of thought, but it still was hard to endure.

— It's great! It means you have already become acquainted with our other undercover agent 345 Unearthly Beauty.

— You … you are saying… that…, — Donkey started to stutter, — she is a CONTROL agent?

— Of course!

Donkey kept silent a little.

— You know, Chief, it seems to me that…, — he stopped.

— Continue, — encouraged the Chief.

— It seems to me that I fell in love with her.

— With Agent 345?

Donkey nodded and mumbled a yes. Although the chief could not see him on the phone, he understood it.

— I congratulate you, Noble. But you know that we don't welcome non-statutory relations between CONTROL agents.

— Why, Chief? — At this Donkey was really interested.

— Because such relations could spoil agent's field work and endanger our mission.

— But, Chief, — Noble Steed interrupted him, — you have let Ninety-Nine and Max marry!

— You know Max, agent 868. Nobody can make him worse than he is. — Chief sighed. — OK, I will think about it. But you have to be confident in your feelings. Check whether she has feelings for you as you have for her. I will think how to help you. OK?

— OK. — Donkey answered without an enthusiasm. Chief had noticed it and asked:

— Why are you so sad, Noble?

— When we got out of the castle, she, I mean agent 344 or 345, I don't remember the number, she pursued us and breathed a fire at us, wanting to kill our brave team. I don't think she loves me.

— Calm down, agent 868, — Chief started to comfort him, — Agent 345 is a much trained agent. She was trained to control her fire breath. The fire she sent to you wasn't real. It's a fake, and you wouldn't die. This scene was made only to fool KAOS, if they had installed their hidden cameras in the castle. Do you understand?

— I understand, — answered glad Donkey.

Chief sighed.

— Well, watch the situation. Your mission is to follow Shrek and Fiona to Duloc, don't forget it. We'll connect again in four days, OK?

— OK, — answered Donkey. — Will be there any orders?

— Well, if you want, — Chief thought a little, — let's change our password. From now on, when you connect with me, your first phrase should be "And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer". I answer "Not a trace of doubt in my mind". Then we should to sing simultaneously: "I'm in love! I'm a believer; I couldn't leave her if I tried"

— OK, Chief. Hasta la… next connection after four days.

— Goodbye, agent 868 Noble Steed.

Donkey pushed the cradle switch, and connection was over. He put his hoof back to his foot. Then Donkey returned to the dwindling fire. He lay near Shrek. He was so tired he fell asleep almost immediately. But his last thought before drifting off was: "Yes, the power of love is a curious thing".


End file.
